I find myself drawn to my kitchen floor. The cool, smooth, linoleum floor in the kitchen of my apartment. When my day is crashing down on me; when I just can't breathe anymore; when I've forgotten how to take care of myself: this is when I'm drawn to my calming kitchen floor. I'm not sure if it's the immediate change of altitude or the forced change in perspective that enables me to slow down when I sit on my kitchen floor, but there is something about that space that gives me the room I need to breathe. Sitting there, leaning against the dark brown cabinets, staring at my nieces' artwork stuck to the refrigerator with big, bold magnets, I somehow find the room I need to remember to be present with myself.
I must confess to you this, my fellow Bad Jews: I am sad. I'm sad for many reasons but in this moment in time I am sad because I am not listening to my kitchen floor. It's been calling to me; telling me to slow down and listen to my sadness. Telling me it's ok to be broken because being broken makes space for healing. But wait...there's no time for this! I have to save the world. Which brings me to my next question for all of us Bad Jews out there: How can we repair the world if we don't repair ourselves?
Jewish tradition teaches us it is our responsibility to leave the world a better place than how we found it. The world is a gift which was was created by God and given to us. And because this gift's origins are holy, given to us by a higher power, whether we believe in GOD, or G-d, or god, it deserves some respect. Some tender loving kindness. Well, if my memory serves me correctly, I'm pretty sure that somewhere in the book of Bereishit (Genesis) humankind is created by this same spiritual power. So, if we choose to view the world as a holy place, I believe each individual person can see her/himself as a holy place. And as such, we should hold ourselves accountable for healing our own bodies and minds in addition to the world at-large.
Perhaps another way to spin it is the idea that we are each made in the image of God. Now the concept of being made in the image of God is in itself another blog for another day. However, let me get to my point: a recent study session with a rabbi friend reminded me that God is sometimes referred to as "HaMakom" or "The Place." If God, who is holy, is a place and individual people made in God's likeness are each a place, then we can make the assumption that we ourselves are holy places. Yes? Still with me? So why not prioritize healing the place that is closest to me, which is ME, so that I can better heal the places that exist outside of ME.
While I have never considered myself to have a strong connection to God (I mean, you know, G-O-D) my recent act of ignoring my kitchen floor and rushing out to heal the world has me feeling anything but holy. As a matter of fact, it has me feeling quite the opposite. And as a Bad Jew taking on the awesome responsibility of saving the world, I'm realizing I need to save myself, too. I need to get back to my place of spirituality, whether that's on my kitchen floor or inside my own body, to do some healing so that I am strong enough and able to heal the world.
As practicing Bad Jews we are often consumed with a burning passion to heal the world outside of ourselves. At this very moment, you're most likely reading this and wondering when I'm going to finish up my thoughts so that you can head back out there. Don't worry, I'm almost done. But first I want to challenge your Jewish practice. Stop what you're doing. Right now.
And ask yourself this: What are you doing to repair yourself? Think long and hard before you answer that question. Now ask yourself again.
Yoga repairs me, and I am back into the swing, thank goodness.
ReplyDeleteOh Mara- such a question! I struggle with this everyday! Last week's retreat and Julie's lesson during yoga really hit home, and I am joining a yoga program as a way to connect with myself at least 2 times a week (better than not at all!).
ReplyDeleteWe get so sucked into the idea of selflessness and don't practice enough selfishness.
Thanks for the reminder!
Rabbi Sid (Schwarz) asks -- if you're not being self centered some of the time, then you're probably either lying to yourself or you need some psychiatric help! :)
ReplyDeleteOf course, I struggle with this incessantly. I steal time late at night - but then am exhausted, so it's a little double-sided. ;)
Sadness is a state of being as much as happiness. Actually, it is the opposite side of the "coin" of sadness/happiness. Even though this is a very Buddhist view of the world, it is found in Judaism: "There was darkness, there was light: the first day." Both darkness and light make up a day. There can't be one without the other; otherwise there would be no life. We have to experience both in order to understand they are one and the same. Flip a coin; heads or tails, we are still flipping the same coin. Life is like that, although a lot more complex. If it's sadness, then keep on flipping until happiness comes up. Selfishness and selflessness are similar: at times we are one or the other. There is no blame (very Daoist as well as Jewish). That's one of the beautiful and mysterious things that is so great in a world-view of Judaism: keep flipping the coin: cling to the floor, then fly to the ceiling. There is no stasis in Judaism, thank G-d. There are things that divide ourselves; yet there are those things that make us whole. Live! Depressed or not, needy or not, selfish or selfless--all are there for us to experience. All are the same "coin." Just flip it again...and again...and again.
ReplyDeleteI really love this blog/musing, and I think you’re brave for “confessing” to being human, not a super-hero, something I think it’s hard for us moderns to allow ourselves to be. I often find that if I’m not taking conscious care of myself, I end up in “emergency repair” mode: retreating violently from the world to spend “me” time -- NOW, don’t you feel relaxed in this self-imposed isolation?? These emergency repair modes never feel as nurturing as I intend them to, because I think self-care ought to be a daily, not task, but a daily treat, in order for the restoration to be done.
ReplyDeleteI don’t take a shower every day, but I sure feel better on the days that I do. Refreshed, cleansed, paused, and poised for a new day. Self-care, whatever that means to you, meditation, that favorite tea before bed, a 10 minute walk to the garden in the middle of your tremendous work day, taking a few full breaths while waiting for a stop light, these are the ways that I rebuild and repair myself, and become prepared and poised to walk out from seclusion to engagement. ~ With a lungful of air, Molly